I heavily doubt the professionalism of our airport security, but it seems fruitless to argue it in our paranoid days. My model friends and I know to avoid the male TSA, who look us up and down before requesting additional screening.

I do flatly refuse the backscatter. Mostly because my pride will not allow me to be photographed nude without proper posing and lighting. And you just know those pervs would enjoy it.

I let the female TSA agent give me a patdown. There’s something less violating about female hands than male eyes, even if she was same-sex oriented.

Incidentally, the most violating patdown I ever had was at the Dubai airport, by a fully-veiled woman who gave a little too much attention to my weapons of mass seduction before letting out a giggle. Poor little repressed thing–friends in Dubai have told me that www.minniegupta.com is banned there. I felt more violated when they confiscated my lipgloss.

My advice to pretty girls flying–aim for the female agents in the screening line, who will be less likely to want her coworkers eying your naked body. Saves you lots of time

Skincare

“I’m starting to get fine lines on my face,” my mother complained to me. She had just turned 55. We discussed Restylane and Botox which she shrugged off, content with a hint of aging that affected other women her age long before it touched her. “People in India don’t sunbathe,” she said. “When I first came to this country and saw lines on the foreheads of women my age, I didn’t know what they were.” Which is why when I see young goras cooking themselves red in the sun I just want to smother them with SPF 50.

Dating

“You must always be with an older man,” Mummy told her daughters all our lives. “Men don’t mature as fast as we do, so a man your own age is like a child.” My father is ten years older than my mother, and my parents just celebrated their 37th anniversary. When my sister and I date men much older than we are, it has nothing to do with unresolved daddy issues (I have the most stable and sane father who adores me to death) we are simply following our mother’s prescription for happiness. All younger men we’ve dated have been extremely regrettable. Who has the patience to cater to a man-child? I surely don’t.

Cosmetics

Liquid eyeliner, red lipstick. I learned it from my Momma, who emulated the Bollywood sirens of her day. Never be afraid to play up the eyes and the mouth–it’s Femme Fatale-esque and understatedly sexy, even with your legs and cleavage hidden from view. Kate Moss and that “natural” look be damned to hell!